This post is filled with some raw emotions and not so positive pondering. If you would like the happier, more positive posts, I surely understand. Feel free to stop now and find a more optimistic one! 😁 Sometimes I just need to get these thoughts out so I can move on.
If you are still with me, here we go!
Many years ago I saw the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet. It is a strange show, but thinking of it started my imagination running wild. Given the chance, would I opt to forget my entire relationship with my most recent ex-husband as Kate Winslet’s character Clementine chooses to do with former boyfriend, Joel? Would I like to have every memory of him erased from my mind?
Honestly, I think I would. I would miss out on the memory of meeting some of his wonderful relatives, but I wouldn’t remember so wouldn’t be sad. Honestly, even though I grew to love them as family, I will most likely never see any of them again. 😕 We had no children together, so no drastic alterations to the space/time continuum would occur. I would have 12 years of my life back and could have happy memories of times spent with my kids, family and friends. Memories of amazing trips and holidays would be altered to eliminate him.
I understand Joel’s anguish in the quote above. I feel like all the years with my ex were a waste. I never truly knew him. He never got close to any of my kids, so no worry about any of them needing to have mind wipes done. They have forgotten him already and continue to encourage me to do the same. Thinking back, the only thing I gained from that relationship was meeting his family and friends. He once told me he thought I loved his mom more than I did him. That was probably true. He and I used to joke about a vacation when he yelled at me during a kayaking excursion. How funny is that? 🙄 Did I ignore a few red flags🚩🚩🚩? Definitely. In my defense, I took my vows seriously and meant for the relationship to be forever.
Reading through my old journals, I see SO many moments when I should have slowed things down or stopped them. Perhaps many of those were divine interventions designed to make me think twice, but I was so “in love”, reason and logic went out the window. He was from too far away and was controlling from the beginning of our relationship. Two different trips to meet him required me to stay inside a hotel room all day, even multiple days while he was in a conference. A trip to Disney, our first together, saw him riding one of the rides solo rather than waiting for me to get in line with him after I stood in line to get FastPasses for the two of us. I was an afterthought from the beginning.
He was handsome and he had a wonderful way with words. I was flattered by the attention, and if I had to get up at 5:00 am because that is what worked for his schedule, I was happy to do it. Honestly, the first time we met in person, I was underwhelmed, but with as much time as I had invested by then, I convinced myself that this was it. He was my person.
He has already moved on and I want to be able to do the same. Getting a friend request last week from his old “friend” with the pages full of photos of the two of them together and a specific post that referenced the “many times” she has visited the small town he now lives in was hurtful and cruel. I would love it if I could just brush that away without a thought rather than letting it hurt me. If I would have been offered a time machine that day with the opportunity to visit the past and to never interact with him, I would have jumped at the chance.
The mind wiping might be the best solution, though. If I had a time machine, I could go back and end it at the very beginning, but it might change the good things that happened in those years. By taking out only the memories of him, I would still retain memories of all the special times with my kids and family and friends. I would still have memories of the wonderful places I’ve been, just not with the added anguish of having experienced them with someone who no longer loves me and possibly never did.
If all the memories of him were gone, so too would be the anxiety of often feeling not good enough, of being too messy, not smart enough, too angry, too relaxed, too much of a planner, someone who shares too much. I definitely have my share of flaws and I realize this and can’t wipe them away even with a mind sweep. With all memories of him erased, I could, however, get over the feeling that I had to hide or quash any flaws in order to keep things “good” between us. Also gone would be the sometimes thoughtless, cruel comments and threats that replay in my mind when it is silent.
He threatened to take half of everything I owned, including my new/old house, my savings and my partial ownership in our family business if I didn’t sign over the entire house he is living in. He contributed nothing to any of this in the years we were together. Our finances were separate. I alone made the significant down payment on the house he is in. I knew then that if he ever had cared for me, he certainly didn’t anymore. I did as he asked, as I generally did. I’ve been told that with a good lawyer, I would have prevailed, but a long drawn out court battle was not worth it to me. He still has the house and all the equity including the down payment that took my entire savings up to the point we purchased it in 2018. To his credit, he did tell me after the divorce was final that he wouldn’t have followed through with that threat. Another “memorable” moment with him toward the end was when he said, ” I don’t understand why it is taking so long for you to get over your Mom [her death less than 6 months earlier]. It’s not like you were that close.” Unbelievable, right?!
I kept from telling anyone about some of the things I have been through because I didn’t want people to think less of him despite what has transpired. There comes a time, though when enough is enough. I was content to let things be until the new relationship was thrust at me along with the little caveat that this has been going on for quite some time since she has visited “many times.” That was enough to finally push me to block his e-mail in addition to previously blocking him from texting, calling and social media. I also removed him as a follower on my blog as well as his “friend” who subscribed via e-mail. As Ominek says below, when I’m done, I’m done. I certainly don’t need that in my life. This post is me saying I’m done! There will be no “friendship” or any contact of any kind from here on out. I am hopeful that he and his “friend” will leave me alone and will build their own life together and leave me out of it.
So, if I had the opportunity to erase him from my mind completely, I would definitely sign up. Until then, all I can do is to try my best not to let him take up space in my head. I hope to someday be able to move on as well. Somewhere out there, there may be a person who I want to reside in my head and in my heart for today, tomorrow and forever.
If you made it to the end, thank you for hanging in there! Sometimes just for my own peace of mind, I need to expel the inner “yuckiness”. I promise to get back up on the positive path!
Thank you to all of my wonderful visitors and followers (aka blogging friends) who make it so much easier to find the good in life and in other people ❤