Would I Like a Spotless Mind? I think so.

This post is filled with some raw emotions and not so positive pondering. If you would like the happier, more positive posts, I surely understand. Feel free to stop now and find a more optimistic one! ๐Ÿ˜ Sometimes I just need to get these thoughts out so I can move on.

A one minute doodle of me with and without my ex in my head

If you are still with me, here we go!

Many years ago I saw the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet. It is a strange show, but thinking of it started my imagination running wild. Given the chance, would I opt to forget my entire relationship with my most recent ex-husband as Kate Winslet’s character Clementine chooses to do with former boyfriend, Joel? Would I like to have every memory of him erased from my mind?

Honestly, I think I would. I would miss out on the memory of meeting some of his wonderful relatives, but I wouldn’t remember so wouldn’t be sad. Honestly, even though I grew to love them as family, I will most likely never see any of them again. ๐Ÿ˜• We had no children together, so no drastic alterations to the space/time continuum would occur. I would have 12 years of my life back and could have happy memories of times spent with my kids, family and friends. Memories of amazing trips and holidays would be altered to eliminate him.

โ€œWhat a loss to spend so much time with someone, only to find out that sheโ€™s a stranger.โ€

Joel Barish
(as played by Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)

I understand Joel’s anguish in the quote above. I feel like all the years with my ex were a waste. I never truly knew him. He never got close to any of my kids, so no worry about any of them needing to have mind wipes done. They have forgotten him already and continue to encourage me to do the same. Thinking back, the only thing I gained from that relationship was meeting his family and friends. He once told me he thought I loved his mom more than I did him. That was probably true. He and I used to joke about a vacation when he yelled at me during a kayaking excursion. How funny is that? ๐Ÿ™„ Did I ignore a few red flags๐Ÿšฉ๐Ÿšฉ๐Ÿšฉ? Definitely. In my defense, I took my vows seriously and meant for the relationship to be forever.

Reading through my old journals, I see SO many moments when I should have slowed things down or stopped them. Perhaps many of those were divine interventions designed to make me think twice, but I was so “in love”, reason and logic went out the window. He was from too far away and was controlling from the beginning of our relationship. Two different trips to meet him required me to stay inside a hotel room all day, even multiple days while he was in a conference. A trip to Disney, our first together, saw him riding one of the rides solo rather than waiting for me to get in line with him after I stood in line to get FastPasses for the two of us. I was an afterthought from the beginning.

He was handsome and he had a wonderful way with words. I was flattered by the attention, and if I had to get up at 5:00 am because that is what worked for his schedule, I was happy to do it. Honestly, the first time we met in person, I was underwhelmed, but with as much time as I had invested by then, I convinced myself that this was it. He was my person.

He has already moved on and I want to be able to do the same. Getting a friend request last week from his old “friend” with the pages full of photos of the two of them together and a specific post that referenced the “many times” she has visited the small town he now lives in was hurtful and cruel. I would love it if I could just brush that away without a thought rather than letting it hurt me. If I would have been offered a time machine that day with the opportunity to visit the past and to never interact with him, I would have jumped at the chance.

You take your power back by letting people go.

Emma Xu

The mind wiping might be the best solution, though. If I had a time machine, I could go back and end it at the very beginning, but it might change the good things that happened in those years. By taking out only the memories of him, I would still retain memories of all the special times with my kids and family and friends. I would still have memories of the wonderful places I’ve been, just not with the added anguish of having experienced them with someone who no longer loves me and possibly never did.

If all the memories of him were gone, so too would be the anxiety of often feeling not good enough, of being too messy, not smart enough, too angry, too relaxed, too much of a planner, someone who shares too much. I definitely have my share of flaws and I realize this and can’t wipe them away even with a mind sweep. With all memories of him erased, I could, however, get over the feeling that I had to hide or quash any flaws in order to keep things “good” between us. Also gone would be the sometimes thoughtless, cruel comments and threats that replay in my mind when it is silent.

He threatened to take half of everything I owned, including my new/old house, my savings and my partial ownership in our family business if I didn’t sign over the entire house he is living in. He contributed nothing to any of this in the years we were together. Our finances were separate. I alone made the significant down payment on the house he is in. I knew then that if he ever had cared for me, he certainly didn’t anymore. I did as he asked, as I generally did. I’ve been told that with a good lawyer, I would have prevailed, but a long drawn out court battle was not worth it to me. He still has the house and all the equity including the down payment that took my entire savings up to the point we purchased it in 2018. To his credit, he did tell me after the divorce was final that he wouldn’t have followed through with that threat. Another “memorable” moment with him toward the end was when he said, ” I don’t understand why it is taking so long for you to get over your Mom [her death less than 6 months earlier]. It’s not like you were that close.” Unbelievable, right?!

I kept from telling anyone about some of the things I have been through because I didn’t want people to think less of him despite what has transpired. There comes a time, though when enough is enough. I was content to let things be until the new relationship was thrust at me along with the little caveat that this has been going on for quite some time since she has visited “many times.” That was enough to finally push me to block his e-mail in addition to previously blocking him from texting, calling and social media. I also removed him as a follower on my blog as well as his “friend” who subscribed via e-mail. As Ominek says below, when I’m done, I’m done. I certainly don’t need that in my life. This post is me saying I’m done! There will be no “friendship” or any contact of any kind from here on out. I am hopeful that he and his “friend” will leave me alone and will build their own life together and leave me out of it.

I’m guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve but when I’m done, I’m done.โ€

Turcois Ominek

So, if I had the opportunity to erase him from my mind completely, I would definitely sign up. Until then, all I can do is to try my best not to let him take up space in my head. I hope to someday be able to move on as well. Somewhere out there, there may be a person who I want to reside in my head and in my heart for today, tomorrow and forever.

If you made it to the end, thank you for hanging in there! Sometimes just for my own peace of mind, I need to expel the inner “yuckiness”. I promise to get back up on the positive path!

Thank you to all of my wonderful visitors and followers (aka blogging friends) who make it so much easier to find the good in life and in other people โค

About Beth W.

I try to look for the positive in the people and situations I come in contact with! I believe in the power of positive thinking and I believe that even challenging circumstances can be learning experiences if we have a positive mindset! I'm having fun blogging at: http://picturingpositive.com
This entry was posted in independence, Let it go, Love Yourself, moving on, persevere, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Would I Like a Spotless Mind? I think so.

  1. Good for you for being real about what you’re feeling. We all have those times of not-positive thoughts, when erasing painful memories could be helpful. Be kind to and gentle with yourself. Hugs…

    • Beth W. says:

      Thank you โค It's just been one heck of a week and I'm over pretending like everything is just "fine". It's not, it sucks, but I'm going to sit with the feelings, feel them and get back up again ๐Ÿ™‚ If one of those memory erasers is ever developed, though, I'll be sorely tempted to try it out ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thanks for the kind comment! โค

  2. janieleeds says:

    Sending you huge hugs Beth! What a narcissist! I’m so sorry. Your story was similar to mine in many ways – the getting up at 5am (and not minding it) is just one example. I would delete/block any communication for him and his friend as you have done. Be good to you and yes, move onwards…you are so worth more than he…๐Ÿ’—

    • Beth W. says:

      Thank you so much Janie ๐Ÿ™‚ Yes, the 5am skype sessions were just one example of the control. Why I didn’t end this before it got to this point, I have no idea. I feel like more than anything I need to forgive myself for not getting out of it before we were married. Such a waste. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ And it took me long enough to go no contact, but I finally had enough of the mind games. He sent an email earlier the same day that his friend invited me to be her friend saying how he hoped I would find peace and happiness and saying that he is always there if I need anything. He wants to be the “good guy” and to make sure I am there as “backup supply” in case things don’t work out with his new endeavor. I am over it. I just thank God that we have nothing that ties us together. I want to be done with him forever. I truly believe in karma and that eventually it will all come back to him. The new squeeze is 13 years younger than him, so I predict it is only a matter of time before she finds a “shiny new thing”. Who knows, maybe it will be him who needs something new yet again. In any case, it’s no longer my problem. Thank you as always for your support. Hopefully now that I have gotten this all out and have blocked them both I can move on and just do me and find happiness in my kids, my girls (who will be here next week!!!—-crazy!!), my puppy, my garden and yard and new adventures to come โค ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

      • janieleeds says:

        May all the goodness come to you in abundant waves of joy Beth! You have certainly come a long way through the wisdom you’ve gained and I am so happy for you! Good for you. Observing him in this way helps you to heal for which I’m grateful. We all need to be to process breakups in this way and see ‘them’ for who they are. Find happiness within and with your loved ones! YES!! Face the sunshine and look towards the limitless possibilities for joy that is coming to you! Big hugs!!!

        • Beth W. says:

          Janie, thank you from the bottom of my heart! โค You are truly a ray of sunshine for me. ๐ŸŒž To think that a year ago, I thought a narcissist was just someone who liked to look at himself in the mirror! ๐Ÿ˜‚ We have both had to learn the hard way, but in doing so we can help others. ๐Ÿ˜Š Thank you for being the sweet person that you are and for sharing your story as well โค Knowing that we are not alone and that others have made it through similar things is so reassuring ๐Ÿ˜Šโค๐Ÿ˜Š

          • janieleeds says:

            I’m here for you Beth! That’s what we do! We help each other through the darkness so that we can expand our lights! ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m so happy to be of service and enjoy your friendship! You’re amazing and I love how we’ve connected!! ๐Ÿ’•

  3. Candace says:

    Big hug Beth. Yes sometime we need to expel the bad so we can open our minds to the new. You are looking for a win out of all the loss and that win is finding confidence in yourself, finding yourself and not settling for anything less than you deserve. Remember your worth. โค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜˜

    • Beth W. says:

      Thank you Candace!! ๐Ÿ™‚ I am so ready for something new, but I know that day will come someday so will try to be patient ๐Ÿ˜‰ I will definitely not settle. Being alone is SO much better than being in a relationship like the one I was in. Thank you so much for your support and your kindness โค

  4. usfman says:

    Give yourself some positive regard for being honest about the mistakes of the past. Living in the now seems to be the best answer to forget such inner turmoil.

    • Beth W. says:

      Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m going to do my best! I have two exchange students arriving next week that will be here for the school year, so I’m pretty sure that will spin everything in a positive (and busy) direction! Living in the now is a great philosophy!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. kagould17 says:

    Talking about it is the first step Beth. None of us finds it easy to let go of the relationships we thought we had. I am not sure forgetting completely is the answer, but thinking about i less likely is. Stay well. Allan

    • Beth W. says:

      Thank you so much Allan! ๐Ÿ˜Š With a few days to process it all, I think you’re right that thinking about it less will suffice. Like any difficult emotions, time heals all wounds. I appreciate your insight and your kind comment! ๐Ÿ˜Š All the very best to you!

  6. Ri Weber says:

    Girlllll ! We should compare notes! My daughter told me about your blog.

    • Beth W. says:

      If you are who I think you are, we definitely should!!! I think you were in the position I was in and probably went through the whole nightmare that I just did. And I am guessing your daughter is the amazing person that she is because of you! โค

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