2020 will go down in history (mine at least) as the year I lost more than I thought I could without crumbling. The fun things in life were over for the foreseeable future due to Coronavirus. No more movie dates, concerts, or trips. A graduation Baltic cruise for my daughter was delayed until 2021, and eventually changed to a British Isles cruise in July of 2022. My Mom died June 16th. The rest of the summer after that was, honestly, a blur.
I still had one thing to look forward to, a Thanksgiving celebration with my Dad and my siblings in Arizona. The week we were to leave, my son contracted Covid and so I was unable to make the trip. That was a huge letdown and was followed shortly afterward by the realization that my marriage was over. I wasn’t sure I had what it takes to keep going. In the midst of all this, I was in the process of moving into my childhood home which I was buying from my Dad. Our family Christmas celebration was planned for Christmas Eve at my new/old home.
I cried more tears in November and December than I had in my entire life, but finally decided that I would do what I needed to heal and to be happy again.
I did host our Christmas Eve celebration and it was wonderful, although bittersweet without my Mom there. Having my family gathered together in the same house that has witnessed so many holidays before gave me a feeling of complete contentment and the knowledge that buying this house was the right thing to do. It will be here for me just like my family will be for years and years to come.
My (ex)husband filed for divorce in January and by March 30th, it was final. In February I started seeing a therapist for the first time ever. She has been so incredibly helpful and she says I have made great progress. The plan is for me to spread my wings and try life on my own after the first week in July. I am confident that I can do it and do it well 😊
One of my biggest takeaways from my therapy sessions is that I need to set firm and clear boundaries and that I do not need to explain myself or my choices. I have a tendency, especially when I feel threatened, to explain and defend whatever happens to be in question. The most helpful exercise was writing a letter to my ex-husband as if he would listen and take it to heart. After my second draft, I came up with a raw and honest letter which I read to her. It was so good to get these emotions out. I cried when I wrote it and many times afterwards as I read it and managed to get through most of it in her office without breaking down. It still makes me sad to read it, but it also makes me proud to have found the words to express my emotions and the strength to deal with them.
I am taking time now to be comfortable with just me and to rediscover what my goals and dreams are. I do hope someday to find a special someone who will love me “warts and all”, but until I do, I will do the job of accepting and loving myself despite my flaws. ❤ Honestly, right now the thought of “dating” is scary. I have set a deadline for the time being of March 30, 2022 before I dive back into the dating scene again. I am open to any opportunities that might arrive before that, but I don’t plan to seek them out.
What I really wish for is a place where I could just connect with others as friends. My counselor says to find things I love to do and then do them alone. She says that way if I meet someone while doing those activities, we will already have something in common. The trouble with that is that I’m not great at just striking up conversations. What is an introvert to do? I told her that one of my favorite things to do is to work in my flower beds and to feed and watch the birds. I don’t get too many visitors to my yard 😄.
For the time being, I will just work on doing what brings me joy and hope that in time God will provide me with someone new or with the ability to be content on my own. I can’t control a lot of what happens to me, but I can choose my attitude and I choose to be happy. 😊
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading! I welcome any thoughts, comments, suggestions 😊